The Collectible Doll

Michelle Fagan

Anatomy of a control freak

Stephen Fagan always need to load. When he was a house that needed a thorough renovation bought, he led the work themselves. He ordered his second wife, Barbara, saying: "I love you" into the phone when he called. He demanded that they stand in the window every day and wave until he drove out of the visibility. This behavior was all part of his carefully constructed world-a world of obsessive control began to disintegrate in the spring of 1998. That's when Fagan was arrested at his Palm Beach mansion for the 1979 kidnapping of his own baby daughters from a previous marriage after a bitter divorce.

While Fagan says he rescued girls of a neglectful mother, his first wife and second claim Stephen was a control freak who went way too far. It's hard to argue with their assessment. Who would not agree that Stephen Fagan was a categorical Control Freak (not to mention a full blown psychopath)? You do not go to a clinical psychologist to see that this man of control trends from his hand. All the signs are there and then some. Most control freaks, however, those that you and I rub shoulders with, are not nearly so evident. Still, if you know what to look for, They are relatively easy to detect. The Top Ten characteristics of a Control Freak course, the most obvious and overarching feature of these people, the desperate desire to control. But there is more to this than meets the eye desire. Here are the top ten features: obnoxious, tenacious, invasive, obsessive, perfectionist, critical, irritable, demanding, rigid, and closed-minded.

Unpleasant right off the top, Control Freaks can be characterized as those that are offensive. The term, unpleasant, comes from the Latin harmful, offensive meaning. And many control freaks certainlycause harm. They hurt almost every relationship they have with their control and pernicious ways. Tim, a new professor fresh out of graduate school is a good example. I watched him for nearly four years at university where I teach. Want a good impression on his Dean and his colleagues making, Tim did everything for his job description to follow to the T. He always came to his lessons well ahead of schedule, worked hard to mentor students outside of class, attended each faculty meeting and demanding notes about the process, respectable articles published in leading journals, his services as a volunteer in the community and presented quarterly reports of his performance to his dean. He was a model scholar and excellent professor. But Tim had a problem. He expected everyone around him, even senior ranking faculty members, the same things he did. Tim never hid an opinion. Regardless of rank or standing, would appoint his colleagues Tim whims and suggestions on how they can improve. He told me in no uncertain terms that I have no respect my students if I do not wear a tie to class.

He would sometimes verbatim quote,, Rules and Regulations the faculty handbook to show others how not to pull their weight. He was a stickler for the correct procedure at meetings, often with his desire to hurt others feelings to follow Roberts Rules of Order. If that's not enough, Tim would often point to informal statements by his fellow professors at a previous meeting, he had recorded statements In his notebook, and show how they were inconsistent or misleading. In short, Tim was a control freak and his most remarkable quality was offensive. Nobody, but nobody seemed to enjoy his company. In case you are wondering, Tim (not his real name) never self-employment. His professional colleagues are out of control, despite its long list of professional performance, because a "lack of collegiality." The discharge report may be as good, but not so polite, he said not one unpleasant Control Freak get along with others and no one would disagree.

Tenacious A boy was playing on the terrace behind kind of rough with his reluctant cat. When they make a big commotion, his mother heard it and yelled at him, "Johnny, you are pulling the cat's tail?" "No, Mom," the little boy said: "I'm just her tail. She does all the pulling." Control Freaks are a lot like Johnny. If someone proposes a new way of doing something, for example, they violently resist by judging by the way they want things done, no matter how loud the commotion. Stubborn is another way to describe them. I know a control freak who will stick to his view as a pit bull to stick to one leg. No matter how illogical his argument or how insignificant his point, he will not let go. It is part of the Control Freak Code: "Do not ever, ever, ever, give in."

This guy, for example, can easily spend several minutes correcting a story that tells you because he is convinced that when you said Monday, it was a Wednesday. Never mind that there is absolutely no difference it makes to the story, he wants the same. So even if you protest loudly, he will not let go of his point until you give in or on it. Control Freaks once put their sights on a particular point or purpose, there is no argue them out. Compromise is unspeakable. They are right, and everyone is wrong, period, end of discussion. Seventeenth-century preacher Henry Ward Beecher, must have had in mind Control Freaks when he said: "The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will, and the other from strong will not." Invasive I once told a man who grew up with a controlling father. Everything he did as a boy under the watchful eye of his father. It was more than to know where the boy went and who he was. This father took careful survey of the room of his son. As a private investigator, he would rifle through the drawers and whipping boys on a regular basis, not looking for something special, just curious.

Control Freaks have little respect for privacy and snoop in areas that are often not their business. Some control freaks exhibit their invasive quality, not so much by intelligence into other property, as they do by poking around in people's private lives. "How much did you pay for that watch?" They boldly questions. "It is true that your brother would lose his job?" Or: "Tell me what happens to you and your husband, I see you do not sit together in church." They are continually scan, search, inspect, and hunting. Some control freaks will do everything necessary for personal or private information that none of their business. Speaking of the church, I have seen what "holy" Control Freaks cloak their invasiveness in religious clothing. "Why did the Lord put you on my heart?" they may ask as a way to determine their gossip. Or, "I will pray for you, but I need to know what's really going on in your life." Not that every person involved parishioner is trying to get your to violate privacy, but as a control freak slides into a pew, it is not uncommon. Invasive techniques and strategies come in all stripes and colors. But whatever form, then You can be assured that experienced Control Freaks have used them most of them. Why? Because information is power. And the more power a control freak, the better they feel.

So they dig and dig into other people's lives, invading places where we have all but posted signs that read "Private", "outside." But control freaks do not think these signs apply to them. Obsessive A friend recently told me of an experience he had lunch with a few dozen business leaders. They had gathered to hear from a reputable economist who would be giving a speech about the recession. On a large flip chart, the speaker was a black spot with a heavy marker in the middle of the paper and asked a man on the front row what he saw. The man replied promptly: "A black spot." The speaker asks each person the same question, one by one, and each replied, "A black spot." With a calm and deliberate emphasis, the speaker then walked thoughtfully on the small platform, paused, then said, "Yes, There is a small black spot, but none of you mentioned the great white paper on. "The speaker went on stage, gathered his notes, said:" Thank you, "and sat down.

My friend who attended the lunch said the room was shockingly quiet for a few moments when the speaker took his seat. The host, who sat on the platform looked nervous around, not knowing what to do. Then one person in the back started to applaud. Then another. Soon every entrepreneur is around each of the tables were folded for the speaker. What had He taught them about the recession? You have to have perspective. You can not focus on one little thing or a short time. You have the big picture and see things in context. The message This bold speaker was simple, but profound. And it's a valuable lesson for anyone in business or not. But it's wasted on nearly every Control Freak. You see, most control freaks are not interested in the big picture. They zeroed in on some minor details that often prevents them from seeing anything else. They may have a suspicion that something goes wrong in a relationship,

For example, so obsessed with every nuance of the conversation and unintended gesture that makes the other person. They can not seem to focus on something else over the possible breakup. At work, control freaks should only focus on one problem that causes the sight of other things that are important losses. They can so consumed by the amount of space to access old files, for example, that they not go to the job at hand because they are too busy to convince everyone that something must be done to purge the files. Or they may fear for their upcoming jobperformance review will give them less than perfect marks. So they obsess endlessly about the possibilities and consequences of a bad review that is not Control Freaks can occur even obsess about anything and everything:. One's impromptu comment, a hairdresser, getting shortchanged at the pharmacy, from someone else, where people sit around a conference table, view their child, they said a remark last week that an associate on the phone, and on and on. Anything can their "black spot" to be obsessed, lose perspective, and neglect the big picture. Perfectionist Listen carefully, and you hear say, Control Freaks their breath, "I can not believe I did that, what a jerk!"

They will berate themselves for not having everything go exactly the way they wanted. "I can t believe I forgot my cell phone. "" Why did not I plan for rain? "" I should have known the bank would close early today. "We all frustrated from time to time because something throws a chink in the works, but the typical Control Freak can not let go. Because the bank is closed when they thought it would open , they punish themselves (or angry at the bank) and focus on how they have now thrown their whole day. "I really needed this money to pay today," they could say. So ask the logical question: "Did you write a check that may bounce because you do not get to make the deposit" And they say, 'No, no. I thought I really wanted to get my to-do list and I was sure they were open. Why can not I remember them close to six hours on Thursday? "Control Freaks demand perfection of himself and everyone. Few things are "good enough." If you live with a control freak, you know this all too well. For their perfectionist standards established way home you never look at life. It may not matter to you that the pillows on the couch in the corner should be turned just like that, but it does them and you better figure that out. Right? Or maybe you could not care if the gas meter in your family car is under its halfway point, but you learned that your husband does not like to end Control Freak, so that'll need filling and when the red needle message asking you to do so. These and countless other small quarks to be done to calm the perfectionist control freak. I love what the French writer, Fraçois Fenelon, had to say about perfection. "It is only imperfection that complains of what is imperfect.

The more perfect we are, the gentle and quiet we become towards the defects of others. "As a recovering control freak myself, I must confess that I write these words to heart. Critical I have often surprised by people who earn their living critical. How did they get away with some of the things they say? Film critics, for example, can flog a film which ends being a Box Office Smash, and even the critic's reputation not affected. On a recent cross-country flight to DC, I read a newspaper review of a recently published book that the author totally panned efforts. The critic comments made me curious. So during my stopover in Chicago, I raced to the airport bookstore and read the first few pages. I'm addicted. I bought the book and thoroughly enjoyed the rest my flight. As I said, I'm often surprised by professional critics. In fact, I have a habit of collecting "bad" ratings. One of my favorites of the original 1946 Broadway production of Annie Get Your Gun. One critic wrote: "Irving Berlin's musical score is not exciting or even melodic." Annie Get Your Gun ended up being the biggest stage success Berlin, run over a thousand performances on Broadway and resulting in some of the most popular songs ever. Like Fiddler on the Roof released, a respected critic said: "It seems clear that this is not a hit record." It was the third longest run in Broadway history. When the film Gone With the Wind came in theaters, one summed it up by saying that "no civil war picture ever made a nickel." And in 1964 when Ronald Reagan was a star in a movie to the president the United States to play a critic said: "Reagan does not look presidential elections." Surly these critics have lost their jobs, right? Hardly. It seems critical, even when criticism is inappropriate or off base, do not always do much damage. It's just a part of their job. But when criticism comes from an unsolicited unpaid Control Freak You can be assured that damage will be done. Anyone who has to live or work with a critic who does not collect a salary for his critical know what I mean. Control Freaks may be some of the most painful critical people you'll ever meet. It seems they can not their critical comments to bridle. They just flap their criticism as easy as a professional reviewer gives a "thumbs down" to a movie. The question is why? Control Freaks why do so willy nilly abandon critical remarks as not their job? As someone who may be vulnerable to criticism myself, I'll tell you why. Control freaks often think criticism will somehow or something someone better. Of course, it never does, but this does not keep them to try to control the criticism. "Those black shoes do not do much for your outfit," a control freak girlfriend might say. "You'd look better wearing flats with the brown skirt." Of course, her friend put on the brown shoes.

Or In the case of a marriage: "I am embarrassed to pull in front of our house with so many weeds in our lawn," controlling a woman might say to her man. Guess who gets right to work in the garden? So if you're surprised by this Control Freak property, wonder no more. You see, criticism of the Control Freak is a great tool for getting people to do what you want them to do. Cranky and irritable controversial. Touchy and irritable. These were the kinds of words that pop into people minds Roberta describe. She is a broker at a large office just outside of Houston. Successful. Very successful. For three years straight, Roberta was the best selling agent in the city. How did they do? By working longer and harder than most others. Roberta was a freak who would self-control every aspect of their sales process for both buyer and seller control are known. She did not anyone else in her office a mistake, that would be bad thinking about her, so she handled everything themselves. But at a price are known as the most irascible and irritable person within miles. Everyone who worked with Roberta, except for its customers, managed to walk around on eggshells when they do not want her off. The smallest things can ruin her day. Once she grumbled the whole noon, because the district manager of her agency came through town and did not invite to a lunch meeting.

On another occasion, she was cranky because the battery on her cell phone would not charge. She once chewed on a minor, because a "sold" sign was not posted on the site one day she asked be. On more than one occasion she threw a huge fit because one of her colleagues take a message for her write the correct phone number of a customer. When a train hit her causing too late for a meeting with a potential buyer on a property, they actually honked at passing train as the faster would go and then whined about all afternoon back in the office. examples could go on, but the point is that Roberta, like so many control freaks, is one of the most irritable people you'll ever meet. When control freaks have not get their way, there is no doubt. They have an apparent inability to deal with the flow. When she saw the opposition, no matter how logical they cross, cranky and grumpy encounter. Little things tic them off: a messy top of a bottle of ketchup, a car parked on the "wrong" side of the driveway, a flashlight is not where it "should" be, and on and on. For control freaks, anything and everything can be for a hissing fit. Demanding "Jenny, give me that "Dan yelled at his wife." No, I do not! It is mine. It's mine! "She replied." Give it to me now! "Then grip her salary but Jenny had a good grip on, and before she knew it, the control is torn in two. Jenny was tired of handing over all financial matters with her controlling husband, but then responded in typical style Control Freak: This is by asking a mainstay for control freaks .. To their way, they often resort to making demands. Like a kidnapper trying to secure a ransom, they order people around at their whims and fancy. In addition to trying to get the checkbook, then such monitoring, often barks at Jenny him oatmeal in the morning. He insists that she never, ever touch the stereo in their family room.

Then Jenny will answer the phone in another room, so to not to disturb him, when he looks at a game on TV. He may even Jenny needed a certain outfit when they go to dinner with friends wear. No doubt, Then the boss. Like a Brigadier-General his troops control, a control freak often shouts orders and expect everyone to follow them. If you live or work with this kind of person you want to know how belittling, humiliating it sometimes feels. And like Jenny, you've tried to draw the line and put an end to being bossed around, but that does not stop most control freaks. They go right on command and demanding. As I said, it's one of their pillars. They yield a demanding attitude of hoping it will keep more in control. What the Control Freak not understand what the French writer of the fourteenth century, Michel de Montaigne said so eloquently: "Who sets his argument by noise and command shows that his reason is weak." Stiff in the TV hit Seinfeld, one of the most popular episodes was based on a real-life situation and called "The Soup Nazi." It centered around a feisty man runs a small eatery where New Yorkers stood outside in long lines to take out orders of delicious soup to enjoy this guy's creations. The catch? Customers had to put up with rigid rules of the Control Freak's. Only one customer in the store at one time. immediately place your order. Indicate no. Ask no questions. Pay and leave. If you wanted to feast on these tasty soups, you did what the guy said. And if you do not? "No soup for you," the Soup Nazi would break. "Come back three months." Delivery beaten a chord with viewers, because we all know control freaks who live by rigid rules and expect us to do the same. And we may even know the feeling of wanting what a control freak has to offer, and introduction of requirements to get ridiculous.

My wife and I once hired a gardener who mostly spoke Russian. He did an excellent job. You could not find a weed in our garden as he had been there. He could get interesting things to grow in our planters. He trained the vine to curl up our retaining wall the way we wanted. And the trees our garden seemed to do what he commanded. The problem? He had never let us know when he would show up to work. Maybe next week or next month. Sometimes not. We never knew. What is worse, he would leave halfway through a project and not tell us when he would return. He was in charge of his plans and he only worked when he wanted work. When we tried to get him to nail down a date, he'd snap, "No work that way." He was rigid about it. Most control freaks. They have a way -their way of doing things. Control Freaks can be as rigid as a drill sergeant in an attempt to impose their methods. She wants to live in a certain way and are not willing to walk districts of their regime. Their exact details for preparing a salad (or soup), for driving a car, raking leaves, and something else will not be questioned. They 'know' what is best for everyone and just "be" that others take the reins when they follow their rules. A more short-sighted quality makes the top ten list for control freaks. Most of these people are not interested in discussion. It's like they all truth and all who disagree with them is suspect. They fail to recognize that only God has the whole truth. They feel no need for both sides of a question. Their mind is made up before they hear that there is another side to a problem. So they circle the wagons to protect their views and denying even an attempt at clarification, balance, and understanding, nothing of building community with people who do not see things exactly as they say. "My mind is made up and there is no change,"

Ron said all of us sitting around a conference table. We were in a board meeting to discuss an item that had potential to change the direction in which this non-profit organization we were representing was headed. Many of us felt the change might be for the better. It would have allowed the financial pressure to be reduced while maintaining the root cause and the mission of the organization. But Ron, the board chair, would hear it nothing. He ended the conversation before it even started. "If you do not hear from a number of members of the committee who are studying it for more than one month? "A courageous board member and hold him." I have read their report, "Ron said," I've heard their concerns, and I reject them. I've already told you why. The order. "Ron's zeal for sticking to its original mission of the organization was blinding him how the initial mission was to be met and expanded as he would be open to hearing opinions that do not match his own. But like many control freaks, Ron refused. And he showed many of us wonder why we, along with our opinions, were even necessary. Take help of telephone counseling .

A few days after I left that meeting, a fellow board member sent me a sad but thoughtful paper in which he quoted English poet William Blake: "The man who never changes his opinion is like standing water, and breeds reptiles of the mind. "This guy went on saying in his letter that he resigned because Ron's mind was too limited, his mind closed, the hope of a possible dialogue on the road. Unfortunately, many control freaks have closed their minds before they allow good thoughts to enter. And finally, this makes them close to their hearts the people who like a place in their lives if there was space. _Les Parrott is founder of the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University and author of Control Freak. Les is also the co-author (with his wife) of saving your marriage before it starts and Love Talk. Dr. Parrott visit the website www. RealRelationships.com._

About the Author

eCounseling.com is the only online counseling help website that allows clients and counselors to connect online – with no software to download or cumbersome technology!  It seeks to be an excellent information resource for consumers, and to connect prospective counseling clients to counseling professionals 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and 365 days a year. Its director is himself trained professional Arlen Pledge.

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